BDD
“Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)” is a mental disorder characterised by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.’
BDD and eating disorders were a part of my life from a very young age, and throughout my teenage and early adult years.
BBD and eating disorders can be misinterpreted as vanity or attention seeking behaviour or even ‘just a phase’. In fact they comprise a complex mental health problem that often takes on a life of its own
I’m 34 now, and I realise that I’ve put my body through an awful lot, I’m actually surprised it still works, to be honest. Growing up was painful. My childhood wasn’t pleasant, there was a lot of trauma and neglect, I got bullied at school and I had very low self-esteem. My dad had an affair when I was 18 and made me keep it a secret from the rest of our family. I later became the pawn between my parents during their messy divorce, which caused irrevocable damage and has had a profound effect on my own relationships.
I now know that there is a connection between PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and eating problems. Anything traumatic during childhood that hurts a solid sense of self can lead to low self-worth which is the root of eating problems.
BDD has similarities to Obsessive - Compulsive Disorder, but involves more depression, social avoidance and delusions. In a nutshell BDD is where you see beauty in everything - except you.
With BBD you get obsessed with your flaw(s). So besides constantly thinking about them, you repetitively check and compare the perceived flaw, and adopt unusual routines to avoid social contact that exposes it.
P.2
Humans who suffer with eating disorders are both sensitive and intelligent people. Their sensitivity is often the origin of the eating disorder.
To “cope” means to deal effectively with something difficult, to manage, to survive, or to get through.
I grew up in a household where you weren’t allowed to feel. There was never space to get upset. You just had to motor on.
Food for me represents “the mother,” love, affection, security, survival and reward. Humans replace their need or desire for any one of those factors with food as a way of filling the emptiness within.
The body reflects what is happening on both conscious and unconscious levels. The stomach is often where we process our individual reality. If our thoughts, feelings and impressions are in any way imbalanced because of trauma, then all is dealt within the stomach, often referred to as the “seat” of hunger, nausea, anxiety or any unsettling feelings. Your stomach is essentially your second brain.
Growing up, certain things were beyond my control, but the thing I could control was eating - or not eating. As a child I lacked a good understanding of what was going on around me and couldn’t deal with my emotions. As a result, I coped by completely cutting myself off from my emotions and starved myself, so I didn’t feel anything at all.
Eating problems contain order and disorder simultaneously. My eating habits became restrictive and obsessively healthy. I used to spend hours in the supermarket reading the labels on the back of food packaging, How many calories or grams of fat did a product have? What I did eat was controlled and then once it was consumed, all I could think about was how to get rid of it. I was addicted to exercise.
I used to wear extra clothes underneath my school uniform to cover myself up because I found myself hideous. Being a teenager was the worst – I wouldn’t relive it for love or money, no fucking way. My body started changing - maybe I didn’t want tits? Or hips? Or a fucking period. I was so uncomfortable with myself and I always felt fat. All i could think about was being thin.
P.3
I was convinced I was massive and bought clothes that were a size 16/18 - it made me feel better that they were looser. I became neurotic. I fantasized about having liposuction and what it would feel like to have a flat stomach. Friends would tell me I was delusional.
Eating habits came with several powerful destructive rituals, rules and regulations. There’s being good and being bad. Starving would warrant rewards. I used to get some sort of kick from seeing the bones beneath my skin, and yet binging was destructively soothing.
The most distressing thing about eating disorders and BDD is that no matter WHAT someone says to you, how “thin” you are, how beautiful you are, whatever - you don’t hear it. Compliments are like boomerangs - you just throw them back and instead try to convince others of your ugliness.
Ironically if I heard ANY of my friends speaking that way about themselves I’d tell them that they are beautiful, because it’s the truth.
Even after recovering from that I’d always be very hard on myself, quick to pick myself apart, i could write a long list of the things I didn’t like - if you have BDD you can always find something wrong.
Vulnerability is the quality, or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked, or harmed; either physically or emotionally.
In my mid-twenties, my body was invaded by another person whilst I was asleep. My drink had been spiked and I woke up to someone having sex with me. I was traveling around America at the time and completely alone.
If there is one thing that completely tears you in half then it’s RAPE.
That incident has taken a long time to recover from. Being raped is not only an ordeal, but it affected me in so many ways that I didn’t think were possible. It changed my life. The word “rape” or “sexual assault” instantly makes anyone feel uncomfortable. For far too long society has treated rape as a taboo subject, but lately (thankgod) we are beginning to realise that it’s unfortunately a bigger part of our world than we think.
I had some pretty awful therapy from a female counsellor, who told me I was to blame for what happened because I gave off mixed messages because of the way I dress. I felt so bad about myself that I believed her, and continued to see this woman for four years.
'A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ‘ Ian McEwan
Counselling reopened my Pandoras Box of issues. Mainly body issues, self-esteem. Her words destroyed me and words can very damaging, they can hurt you in the soul, in places you thought were private. Not only did I blame myself, I also despised myself, she made me feel like a whore. She made me completely lose my sense of self, as if the man who did that to me didn’t rob me of enough.
Emotional pain can be incredibly physical. I felt like I had been completely ripped open. The depression that came with this was severe, and at times, completely unbearable. It was like some sort of plague, which was slowly killing me. I had got past the point of feeling sad, and began to question the point in anything at all, even just existing. Nobody really wanted to talk about RAPE. Not even me.
Older, wiser, stronger I know now that what you wear has absolutely nothing to do with consent, some women get raped wearing their pyjamas, by their partner! Blaming someone for being raped because of what they are wearing is like blaming a bank for getting robbed because of its contents. It’s fucking ludicrous. Rapists rape people, not clothes.
P.4
The saddest thing is that she made me hate my body, (all over again) and for me my body became a prison. I’ve always been abit of a tomboy, I found that there’s a lot less pressure to be a girl in boys clothing, less hassle, more protection I suppose. You just blend in and look like them. I became petrified to dress myself - what ‘mixed messages’ am i giving off? Does this outfit say RAPE ME?
I guess at times I could be totally agoraphobic, I stopped going out, I would avoid any social activity; pure fear that I’m going to get attacked again – I missed out on a lot of things.
On the rare occasion I did, and would attempt to reincarnate my old self, in a pair of shorts and heels…which often resulted in getting the FEAR and I’d start to panic, and have to change.
In the end the trick was to make myself look as unattractive as possible so that nobody would come near me.
It’s like I had NO desire to be noticed, i just wanted to disappear. Then when I’d finally get to the bar I’d feel like the ugly duckling, drowning in my baggy jeans and hoodie, admiring all the other women dressed up to the nines. Legs out, skin on show, happy, having a good time. Men unable to take their eyes off them. I couldn’t do any of that.
“MIRROR, MIRROR CAN’T YOU SEE? WHAT YOU SHOW IS KILLING ME.”Jaya Jaspal
I found it impossible to look in the mirror, even making eye contact with people was difficult. It felt like my ability to communicate and connect with others was completely severed. It’s when you lose sight of yourself that you lose your way. Learning to make peace with the mirror and watch the reflection change was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. A ‘healthy’ self to me literally means HEAL THY SELF. Honest self-reflection opens your mind to reprogramming, change, success and freedom.
I have avoided being photographed as much as possible for a long time, because I didn't want to see myself. I genuinely have had NO idea what I actually look like.
Having these photographs taken was incredibly challenging, it made me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable but I decided it was time to actually see what I look like and try and accept it, reclaim my body. As author Sylvia Plath once said: “What I want back is what I was.”
Vulnerability has a sense of belonging, courage, and hope, it is also a source of innovation, creativity, accountability and authenticity. Some people think that to be vulnerable is to be weak, but I think to share your weakness makes you vulnerable; and to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.
I have already come to terms with the fact that I might never feel wonderful, but I’ll settle for “alright.”
It’s a MASSIVE compliment where i come from. SL
‘The human body, at peace with itself, is more precious than the rarest gem. Cherish your body, it’s yours this one time only. The human form is won with difficulty, it is easy to lose. All worldly things are brief, like lightning in the sky; this life you must know as the tiny splash of a raindrop. A thing of beauty that disappears even as it comes into being. Therefore set your goal and make use of every day and night to achieve it.’ TSONGKHAPA